I have found that in order to define the perfect ‘politically correct doll,’ you first have to identify the politically incorrect dolls – it’s a yin – yang kind of thing. And based on my many years in the doll business, I can identify for you – with authority and certainty – those features that make a doll politically incorrect.*
Politically Incorrect Feature #1 Any doll with eyes is politically incorrect. Especially if the eyes are on a doll that is described as ethnic or ‘of color.’ This applies to eye shape, eye color and eye placement on the doll’s head. Especially incorrect are brown dolls with blue or violet eyes. God knows this never occurs naturally.
Politically Incorrect Feature #2 Any doll with removable clothes. First because the doll may end up ‘nude.’ Second, because a child might put boy doll clothes on a girl doll or worse, girl clothes on a boy doll. Cross dressing dolls is so definitely not politically correct because it may lead to homosexual tendencies in adulthood.
Politically Incorrect Feature #3 Any doll with a penis is automatically politically incorrect. This is true interestingly enough for both the far religious right, and the far feminist left. An equal opportunity political incorrectness. Any doll with a vulva is suspect, but probably too shocking and therefore also politically incorrect.
Politically Incorrect Feature #4 Any doll of color. As everyone knows, colored dolls are bad dolls and white dolls are good dolls. It was proven by giving very young and impressionable children a choice between a white doll and brown doll and then forcing them to decide – and label – one of them as a bad doll. (The Clark Doll Test.)
Politically Incorrect Feature #5 Any doll not of color. (For those few children who guessed ‘wrong’ on the Clark Test and then the various follow-up clones of the Clark Test)
Politically Incorrect Feature #6 Any doll with a figure, particularly Barbie. Little girls of five and six will be totally screwed up for life if their breast to waist to hip ratio in adulthood doesn’t match that of their childhood Barbies.
So there you have it. The Politically Correct Doll. No penis or vulva, no eyes, no clothes, can’t be white or ‘of color,’ and without a figure. Just shove some old rags into a sock and draw a smile on it. You’ll be fine.
*Our expertise has been provided by a wide assortment of haters and idiots who have either written us emails, commented on our dolls or blog posts, or otherwise self-identified their ignorance on the internet.