How to create a Politically Correct Doll

yingyang

I have found that in order to define the perfect ‘politically correct doll,’ you first have to identify the politically incorrect dolls – it’s a yin – yang kind of thing. And based on my many years in the doll business, I can identify for you – with authority and certainty – those features that make a doll politically incorrect.*

Politically Incorrect Feature #1 Any doll with eyes is politically incorrect. Especially if the eyes are on a doll that is described as ethnic or ‘of color.’ This applies to eye shape, eye color and eye placement on the doll’s head. Especially incorrect are brown dolls with blue or violet eyes. God knows this never occurs naturally.

Politically Incorrect Feature #2 Any doll with removable clothes. First because the doll may end up ‘nude.’ Second, because a child might put boy doll clothes on a girl doll or worse, girl clothes on a boy doll. Cross dressing dolls is so definitely not politically correct because it may lead to homosexual tendencies in adulthood.

Politically Incorrect Feature #3 Any doll with a penis is automatically politically incorrect. This is true interestingly enough for both the far religious right, and the far feminist left. An equal opportunity political incorrectness. Any doll with a vulva is suspect, but probably too shocking and therefore also politically incorrect.

Politically Incorrect Feature #4 Any doll of color. As everyone knows, colored dolls are bad dolls and white dolls are good dolls. It was proven by giving very young and impressionable children a choice between a white doll and brown doll and then forcing them to decide – and label – one of them as a bad doll. (The Clark Doll Test.)

Politically Incorrect Feature #5 Any doll not of color. (For those few children who guessed ‘wrong’ on the Clark Test and then the various follow-up clones of the Clark Test)

Politically Incorrect Feature #6 Any doll with a figure, particularly Barbie. Little girls of five and six will be totally screwed up for life if their breast to waist to hip ratio in adulthood doesn’t match that of their childhood Barbies.

So there you have it. The Politically Correct Doll. No penis or vulva, no eyes, no clothes, can’t be white or ‘of color,’ and without a figure. Just shove some old rags into a sock and draw a smile on it. You’ll be fine.

*Our expertise has been provided by a wide assortment of haters and idiots who have either written us emails, commented on our dolls or blog posts, or otherwise self-identified their ignorance on the internet.

My Dolls’ Pet Peeves

As I wander the Pattycake Doll Company’s warehouse, checking inventory, unpacking new arrivals, or rearranging the dolls for pick-pack efficiencies, I often hear the dolls whispering to each other, telling each other the tales of their journeys and adventures before coming to our warehouse.

And in one section, we have the dolls that have been returned. Dolls that we can’t sell as new anymore, but that are in good enough condition to be donated to children’s charities and women’s shelters, where despite their minor imperfections, they will soon be ‘loved to pieces’ by their new ‘mommies and daddies.’

I was working near that section recently when I happened to hear the most interesting conversation among the returned dolls. They were discussing their Pet Peeves. I bet you didn’t even know that dolls did had pet peeves – I sure didn’t. But as the true doll lovers that I am sure you are… this is The Doll Blog after all… I thought I would pass along this fascinating information.

Some of the dolls in The Pattycake Doll warehouse

Some of the dolls in The Pattycake Doll warehouse

One of the first things I learned is that dolls hate to have their eyes poked at! You should have heard them complaining about it. Especially the dolls with sleeping eyes. And I have to agree, I wouldn’t want little kids poking at my eyes or pulling up my eyelids to see if I were awake or asleep either.

A lot of the dolls were also complaining about the little kids picking and plucking at their eyelashes. Even pulling them off! Yikes! How painful must that be?

The next most common pet peeve was being undressed and dragged around the house in their undies. Not only was it embarrassing, but a lot of the dolls had put a lot of thought and effort into their clothes. To have them summarily pulled off and thrown around… quite often lost for good, well. Those dolls just didn’t care for that at all.

Another solution to the 'naked' doll.

Another solution to the ‘naked’ doll.

Just as embarrassing was having their little mommies redo their make-up, usually with indelible markers or pens… I know that more and more people are accepting of facial tattoos, but the dolls don’t like it. Not one bit.

There were others… being carried around upside down by their ankles, having their hair cut by amateur hairdressers – or worse pulled out altogether, having strange things shoved into their mouths etc.

But the one thing universally agreed upon by all the dolls in the warehouse was being replaced. To be loved for months and then tossed into the bottom of the toy box and forgotten… that makes dolls so sad.

Just thought you should know.